10 Ways NOT To Look Fat
Tuesday, August 31st, 2010Ten Outfits That Are Bound To Make You Look Fat
1. Shirt dresses – Shirt Dresses are NOT a good idea. The thought that shirt dresses would ‘enhance’ your figure is a totally misconstrued concept! No. All they do is create a bunch around your waist, cut off at an odd point right about your knees with an odd ‘not-straight’ hem SUCH a bad idea. I mean no one should have invented the shirt dress. Ugh.
2. Bright turtlenecks – Bright Turtlenecks are best described as vibrant. Yes. Only good for being used as drapery around the house when your blind mother-in-law comes to visit. This atrocity should never ever have been invented. The only colors that turtle necks should be worn in are gray, white and black. That’s it. I don’t care how thin you are. (And anyway if you were kate moss thin you wouldn’t be reading this article. Let’s just face the facts here, kiddies).
3. Leather pants – Leather Pants?! It’s not the freakin’ eighties! Who the hell promoted leather pants? The other day I’m out and about in Atlanta, walking from Ri-Ra to Cosmo Lava and guess who I see walking just ten feet in front of me(no. not my college crush turned worst enemy ever) but a woman wearing ZEBRA PLEATHER pants!? I MEAN WHAT?! Not even black leather, but ZEBRA PLEATHER? Seriously? I mean Seriously?!!
4. 12.7-centimetre-wide belts: This is obvious. As we discussed before- you’re probably not stick thin, meaning you do have boobs. So sweetie, don’t bother trying to suck in all your fat with a thick belt. It’s ugly. It’s unattractive. You may have squeezed the fat out of your waist, but it’s not spilling out over your belt.
5. Handbags as big as luggage: If you’re trying to work out without going to the gym, this is the way. Well forget about looking attractive to the opposite(or same) sex. (I presume that looking attractive to the opposite sex is of SOME importance to you).
6. Over-the-knee boots: Over the knee boots cause one of two things to happen- either they reach up to your thighs and cause excess fat to spill out over the top of the boot or they cut off the circulation in you legs, which may or may not have you ending up in a hospital on a drunken night out.
7. Round eyewear: Yes. Yes, Hollywood stars wore them for like a week, then came to their senses, so please come to yours!
8. Thick platform shoes: These went out of fashion before they were even invented. They look tacky. Just plain ugly.
9. Tube tops and bustiers: Bustiers are just ew – unless you are Lady Gaga(are you Lady Gaga?). Bad, Bad Idea. The fat will spill out again- but this time from right underneath your collar bone. NOT attractive.
10. White coats, pants, shoes, stockings: If you are a doctor you are dismissed from this number. White pants can only work if you are wearing New Body Shaper. Otherwise white pants are perfect if you want to show off your cellulite. White pants just do not work. White shoes won’t get you any dates. The disco era is gone. And white stocking. Agh! Please-Just Shoot Me!
So guys. My latest advice on how ‘not to look chunky’